Healing

It doesn't matter how many times you get your heart broken.

It still hurts.

I am trying to believe that in order to find that one real love, you need to brush off the many disappointments that come along for the ride. It's like that straggly, greasy hitchhiker your mother told you not to pick up.

But you did anyway ......

It means taking the hurt and putting another band aid on ... a boo boo that time really doesn't heal; let's be honest about that. Every one of us carries around the thought that they are damaged because someone didn't think they were worth the effort. It is one feeling of rejection and unworthiness on top of another. It becomes years of negative self talk; of self scrutinizing, hours of "if I had just done this" or "if I had of just been that". Years of piling on the self hate for not being good enough.

The big question is where does it start. Where is the beginning and how do I change it. How do I learn that it is really not my loss that I wasn't good enough for you. How do I convince myself that you are the one who is not worthy. How do I peel off those layers of band aids to find the very first one.

And then, how do I heal it?

This is when a magic wand would come in really, really handy. But Harry Potter I am not.

I am not Hermione either. (just sayin')

I think this is where Grace comes into my life. To take me from the stupid mess that I have become to lift me up, hand me a wash cloth and tell me to get out from under the covers. This is where Grace tells me I am a big girl and I am love. Grace will also tell me that I am lovable and deserving of the greatest love that we would ever encounter.

Grace will remind me that I already have it and that is what will heal me.