Meteor Showers

Everyone should do this ...

Just once.

Once; really because who actually wants to set an alarm clock for 2am when you could be warm and snugly in your bed ... sleeping.

I am glad I did though. I woke my daughter and tried to haul my son's ass with us but he was just crawling into bed for the night and didn't feel like it was really up his alley.

We went to the beach.

If you know me, you know the beach and I have a love hate relationship that we have danced our way through for years. I love what the beach offers; the sound of the waves, the salt in the air, the cool breeze coming off the water, the way you can get carried away into your own thoughts in the hopes that clarity is close by.

I hate the sand ... especially when it got into my bathing suit. I hate the way my skin is itchy for hours if I walk to deep into the water. I hate the people.

2am is the perfect time to go to the beach.

The sky is dark and the stars are bright. The sand is cool. The air is cooler. I actually wear a sweatshirt to the beach at night. The people are few and far between, mostly drunk trios or lovers trying to find a dark corner for loverish things.

My mind anticipates the air, the waves, the dark, the stars .... it feels like it takes forever to get there. Even with a tired and chatty teen aged girl as my co-pilot, my heart is pounding at the anticipation .. it's like a first date every.single.time.

We found or spot, spread out or towel and laid in the darkness.

And it was quiet.

And it was beautiful just being.

My mind was quiet and I listened to the story of the waves and watched the clouds dance over head and I realized that for one moment in time; everything was just as it should be.

The meteor shower was really nothing. I am thinking the brightness from the city and the strip was too much for anything to be truly visible. We needed a darker beach.

I did however, see a shooting star or two.

And I made a wish ......

In A Rut

.... actually, more like a hole.

I have been reading my horoscope, my daily astrology guides and what-not and they are all pointing to the same thing; an upwards movement of such a grand scale I would have to be hella blind not to see it.

Turns out, I am hella blind.

I am in the deepest rut I have ever been in.

I don't know why. I just lied .. I do know why .. and it is wiping me out.

Nothing inspires me. Nothing interests me. Nothing catches my attention and makes me smile.

I have been in a "soulsearchingtryingtofindoutwhoIam" kind of mode for a while now. I can't find me. I seem to be lost and to top it all off, my GPS is broken.

Real friends are wonderful. They hold my hand and bail the water out from around my neck. But there has to be more than that. Constant cravings and pleadings for "supernatural wisdom" just seem to go unnoticed. At least to me, for now.

My patience is running at an all time low. Just ask my kids. Tolerance has gone out the window and I think people, for the most part, suck large. Especially the fake ones. The ones that use to their advantage, only call when it is good for them and ignore the twisty path of hurt they leave behind.

See ... I am grumpy, bitchy and feeling down ...

Healing

It doesn't matter how many times you get your heart broken.

It still hurts.

I am trying to believe that in order to find that one real love, you need to brush off the many disappointments that come along for the ride. It's like that straggly, greasy hitchhiker your mother told you not to pick up.

But you did anyway ......

It means taking the hurt and putting another band aid on ... a boo boo that time really doesn't heal; let's be honest about that. Every one of us carries around the thought that they are damaged because someone didn't think they were worth the effort. It is one feeling of rejection and unworthiness on top of another. It becomes years of negative self talk; of self scrutinizing, hours of "if I had just done this" or "if I had of just been that". Years of piling on the self hate for not being good enough.

The big question is where does it start. Where is the beginning and how do I change it. How do I learn that it is really not my loss that I wasn't good enough for you. How do I convince myself that you are the one who is not worthy. How do I peel off those layers of band aids to find the very first one.

And then, how do I heal it?

This is when a magic wand would come in really, really handy. But Harry Potter I am not.

I am not Hermione either. (just sayin')

I think this is where Grace comes into my life. To take me from the stupid mess that I have become to lift me up, hand me a wash cloth and tell me to get out from under the covers. This is where Grace tells me I am a big girl and I am love. Grace will also tell me that I am lovable and deserving of the greatest love that we would ever encounter.

Grace will remind me that I already have it and that is what will heal me.

Done

with the whole anger bit. It is getting me nowhere and the problem is as solved as it's going to get. It is obvious by the complete silence this whole thing meant nothing.

Ok ... got it.

Onward and upward.

I suppose out of every storm there must be sunshine, right. (let me have this .. it is like I am positive if I weigh myself in the morning I weigh less ... let me have it.) It always comes with the self criticism and  self doubt; trust me when I say I have more than my share of either of those, but out of it comes some self discovery.

For instance;

I discovered that there really is a person in this hot mess .... I real one.

And she wants to change.

I have four years. Then I am officially one of those empty-nesters. (Half sad, half happy, half excited .. yeah, I know .. that is more than a whole but I have gained some weight lately.)

Four years to change my life .. completely. I need a change. The walls are closing in, people are driving me crazy and I have little respect for the pieces of crap out there who don't care about anyone but themselves.

I am up for the challenge. Wholeheartedly. I have taken care of myself for years, leaned on my own shoulders, been my own best friend. When someone once said to me that they didn't imagine I really needed any one to take care of me, they were right.

Who ever said strength is in numbers .... was wrong.

Time

I broke up with a friend today.

It sucks ... large. And it makes me sad.

It felt like the effort was one sided and it hurt. It was frustrating and maddening and made me want to scream and pull my hair out.

My heart said ... ' now, now ego let's settle down it will all be ok'.

But only it wasn't. And it would never be.

And that is ok.

Now.

But it wasn't yesterday, or the day before that, or the one before that. I waited too often for this friend to just say hello, how are you. They never did. Until it was convenient for them. And then, the words that came out never matched the actions that followed.

Ever.

I stayed married to the friendship far longer than I should have hoping it would change. Begging silently it would change. Praying it would change. I put more darn effort into this friendship than I did my job or learning spanish.

And, sometimes, my family.

I realize and I understand that life moves fast. Before we know it the day is over, the sun has set and it's time to settle in until the sun rises in the morning.

Then we do it all again. And again. And again.

And we forget about the people who thought we would never forget them.

The Beginning

Everything has to start somewhere.

This is like a third beginning. I 'blogged' a few years ago until the proverbial bad apple ruined the whole basket.

I stopped.

I felt violated. And angry. Very, very angry that someone would turn the way they did.

It also scared me. I didn't know what they would do.

So I started a new blog .. but my heart just wasn't in it. I couldn't find the words I wanted to say. Everything felt forced and fake and it wasn't me.

I stopped writing and turned to Facebook. For a while it was a nice rebound; a great distraction from the crap. I made new friends there and found old ones. I watched people get married, have babies, get divorced, experience loss and gain .... I lived through Facebook. Looked for something there that it turns out I was never really going to find.

Please don't misunderstand.

I love what I have found there but I also hate what I have found there. I need to get away from it. Maybe for a while .. maybe for forever. Who knows.

I know that I let myself get too wrapped up in some things and I need to get away and clear my senses (that is, if I have any left). Go to the beach, read real books, watch more movies, write a little more, take some photos ... you know ... live.

I hope that some of you will still keep in touch, I know that I will do *my* best to keep in touch with you all.

(I will miss Candy Crush .. I still can't beat that damn level .. I can't let it win dammit ... )